Monday, June 15, 2009

5 Ridiculous Goofy Ways I like to use Twitter (and why Twitter stirs up the same excitement as gambling)

5 Ridiculous Goofy Ways I like to use Twitter

and why Twitter stirs up the same excitement as gambling

Everyone's talkin' Twitter these days. Twitter this, Are you on Twitter?, Twitter helped my company!, We saved the world with Twitter!, yada yada yada... well I say, Twitter is always fun to be ridiculous on. Get goofy. Be yourself. Don't listen to anyone else telling you how Twitter should be done. Twitter is whatever you make it, so make it a good one.

I also write this article in the face of the "marketing experts" that have the keys to Twitter. Well, I grind your keys to Twitter down to the nub and then I poop all over your little ring of nub-keys. The proof is in the pudding my friends, and the pudding is that Twitter is an endless residual semi-nonsensical brain-scramble melting pot. You can be the random individual self that you are in real life on Twitter as well, or you can be the person you want to be. But don't be the person you think you're supposed to be. There's no need to be nervous or hesitant on Twitter, because no one will remember what you tweeted if your tweet is stupid. Once you hear the voice in your head say "hey wait, maybe I shouldn't tweet that because some marketing twitter blogger said I shouldn't" then that's when you're in a little Twitter egg shell, not tweeting what you want, but tweeting only what you think you aught to. ... why? Sure I understand if your twitter account is a company, then remain professional and represent the company that's paying you. However, if your twitter account is the personal you, the real you...then BE YOU! ALWAYS!

Here are my 5 crazy reasons why I like to use Twitter

1) Make up insane breaking news update tweets & then watch your followers retweet it -
"This just in Donald Trump buys Microsoft from Bill Gates"... obviously not true, nor will it ever be, but if there is a headline story that either sounds real or sounds really rediculous, someone will find interest in it and retweet it. Sometimes you want to go a little overboard, plus add a #hashtag too: "Bill Gates buys Donald Trump's toupee on Ebay auction for $20,000! #EbayToupee #fakenews " ...why do this? No idea, but I like doing it. ... I enjoy tweeting to @nasa at least once a day telling them where to stick their rockets.

to go along with making up news... and basically, making up whatever:
2) Make up goofy #hashtags -
I love doing this. On twitter from time to time a trending topic will be a twitter word game. Enough people are adding examples, it propels the topic to trend further. Examples have been
#beatlesporn "When I'm Sixty-Nine"
#iremember "I remember when I had money for pants"
#3drunkwords "Hold my hair"
#3turnoffwords "It's your baby"
etc. etc. etc. The trending hashtag word game can be anything. Well, I say, make up #hashtag games too, and see if they catch on. There's always satisfaction if you can get your funny hashtag to trend and retweet around for a little while:

*) Special Section Sidenote: The personal Twitter goal game - Twitter is like a free-play loose slot machine in an active exciting casino...

Let me digress - Whatever people may say about the purpose of Twitter, if they say its to gain number of followers, they are wrong. The purpose of Twitter is to have someone retweet what you've tweeted.
1) you'll get followers this way.
2) You'll find the most ideal people to follow this way.
3) You'll feel that little satisfaction proud-of-yourself Twitter sensation in your stomach.

Let me digress further.... and compare Twitter to a slot machine in a casino
Twitter tends to cause "the feeling" for some... you know.. that feeling... when there's "action"... and when you're on Twitter you're "in the action"... It's the buzz... you're in the now and in the know...
It's the feeling you get similar to when you're gambling at the slot machines in a casino. That fantasy that perhaps the next pull is a winner... or a Jackpot.

Twitter is the casino. The lights are flashing, different buzzers, noises, and alarms are going off in every direction, people are all around you talking, laughing, having a great time. You see people all around you winning (being retweeted)... and every pull of the slot machine lever is another potential payday.... on Twitter, you get to play for free! and so you play;

you tweet.... 1...2....3 "i ate oatmeal for breakfast"
... no payday... you lost 2 followers... play again?
tweet again... 1...2...3 "You suck Fox News!"
... winner.. one cherry comes up... gained a follower... play again?
tweet again... 1...2...3 "Man gives birth to lizard on film #dudebirth #lizardbaby" JACKPOT...Retweeted 20 times gained 50 followers.

I think subconsciously, there's the buzz of action felt every time one makes a tweet. Is every tweet in a potential internet meme? You have a 1 in a million shot in hitting the jackpot, but many people hit smaller amounts.
Here's the payout chart:

-The tweet sucks - you lose followers - lost money
-The tweet is of indifference - nothing happens - one cherry, got your money back
-The tweet was retweeted - 2 cherries - make a coin
-The tweet was retweeted by multiple followers - 3 cherries - 5 coins
-The tweet was retweeted by some of their followers - some are following you now because of those retweets - three oranges - 10 coins
-The tweet was retweeted by a lot of their followers - you're gaining lots of followers because of the retweets - three single -BAR- - 20 coins
-The tweet is being retweeted all over the place - you're gaining many many followers and people may remember your name around Twitter for awhile - three double -BAR- - 50 coins
-Your hashtag is in trending topics - everyone knows you now as Scobleizer or Mashable or the dude that posted the footage of the monkey that sniffs his finger after it's been in his butt.... triple -BAR- - 100 coins

-They're calling for keyboard cat to come and play you off of Twitter (IE your internet meme is now hobknobbing with other successful internet memes.. ) - JACKPOT!

That's my take on how Twitter parallels to a casino, let me get back to more crazy reasons I use twitter:

part of that "twitter gambling action excitement comes from the fact that...
3) Celebrities might reply back if you tweet them right
- That's right, if you say the right thing, you can make a celebrity respond to you. What I recommend is to simply be yourself and reply or retweet a celeb tastefully, and then hopefully eventually perhaps maybe one celeb may reply to you with a nod. However, if you want to ensure that a celebrity responds back to you on Twitter, and since you only have 140 characters, this is my method to make a celebrity correspond back to you. It takes a combination of all of these 3 things in your one tweet in order to get a celebrity to reply: (I used Brent Spiner as an example, he played Data on Star Trek the Next Generation and he's also an active tweeter.)

1) compliment them
"Hey @BrentSpiner I loved you in Star Trek"
It probably won't get a reply, but stars enjoy fan's chirping at em.

2) act confused
"Hey @BrentSpiner, I loved you in Star Trek, what do you have planned next?"
Giving the celeb a question means they'll potentially respond and answer if they see your tweet, so, play dumb, and lob them a softball question so they reply to you with their own promotion.

3) Add a Scathing Wit
"Hey @BrentSpiner, I loved you in Star Wars, what do you have planned next? Perhaps a Perfect Strangers reunion?"
Now, how could Brent Spiner not respond to that? Not only did I show ignorance regarding his career as Data on Star Trek, but I also confused him with the actor Bronson Pinchot who played Balkie in Perfect Strangers. If a celeb sees your confused scathing tweet, they'll usually reply to correct you.

4) Role-Play a character - You can be lazy about this and still be good at it. People will follow the image of the role you take on and the tweets your character tweets. You can be anyone you want to be (as long as you say you're fake in your twitter description), and people on twitter follow dedicated committed role-play accounts. Check out Charles Darwin or God or Susan Boyle's Cat. Twitter is a lot of fun, and you get a big quick loyal following if you play your character correctly. Of course, you could extend your personality and acting talents into a persona if you have the drive for it. Check out TheExpert.

5) Yell something at someone you feel deserves it, and the block them - At first you may think this is stupid, however, this actually can help your life and your stress levels. Yell at an idiot and then block em. You'll feel a tension release, plus your followers will be like "yeah, you got balls Whoa diss burnt! RT RT #pwnage"

How do you use
your twitter? Do you abide by the twettequite or do you break the rules? Do you even feel twitter has it's own community social standards? Comments are open.

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